Metal Gear Liquid by Shadow Trunks Zero, Goku Girl
Chapter 1 by Shadow Trunks Zero
Author's Notes:

By Shadow Trunks and Co-written by Liquid Snake

 

DISCLAIMER: WE DIDN'T CREATE METAL GEAR SOLID. IF WE DID, WE'RE BE

RICH, WITH GIRLS CRAWLING ALL OVER US. DAMN, I WISH WE DID, BUT OH WELL. ALSO, ANY OTHER MOVIES, BOOKS, GAMES, MAGAZINES, TV SHOWS, OR OTHER MEDIA WE USE OR MAKE FUN OF MAKE FUN OF IN THE COURSE OF WRITING THIS ARE NOT OWNED BY US. AGAIN, IF WE OWNED THEM, WE'D BE RICH. BUT UNFOURTUNATELY, WE ALSO CAN'T MAKE MONEY OFF OF THIS. WHICH SUCKS. AND THIS FIC IS RATED R FOR SEX JOKES, VIOLENCE, AND LOTS OF OTHER NASTY THINGS. SO IF YOU'RE A MOM, THE GOVERNMENT, OR SOME CATHOLIC SCHOOLBOY LOOKING FOR JESUS.COM, GET LOST! I MEAN IT! DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE! I'LL TAKE THAT BIBLE AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR...WHERE'D THAT COME FROM? ANYWAY, ON WITH THE STORY.

TANKER CHAPTER

 

THE MISSISSIPPI RIVER, TWO...OR WAS IT THREE...FOUR, MAYBE FIVE, NO,

DEFINITELY TWO, I THINK...  OH, WHATEVER! WE'D RECEIVED INFORMATION ABOUT A NEW METAL GEAR.  IT SMELLED LIKE A TRAP, BUT SOME GUY NAMED KOJIMA WAS PAYING US A SHITLOAD OF MONEY TO GO, AND I NEEDED IT FOR CIGARETTTES, GUNS, AMMO, AND A SHITLOAD OF PORNO, SO, WE WENT.

 

    A lone man walked a bridge across the Mississippi.  He was moving slowly, wearing a black parka that read, "I killed all of FOXHOUND, and all I got was this lousy parka."  The Intruder slowly began to run, and then flung off the parka, which was promptly grabbed by a hobo living under the bridge, to be used as kindling.  The man, about average height, was wearing a gray sneaking suit that clung in all the WRONG places, if you know what I mean.  The man attached a rappelling cord to the end of the bridge, and then jumped off.  A passer-by saw this, and ran over and pulled him over the edge.

    "Hey, you can't rappel off here!  You got a death wish?"

    "No, dumbass!  I'm on a mission!  Now get the hell off me!"

    The man pulled a gun and shot the passerby in the arm.  The angered passerby began to scream.

    "What are you doing you idiot?  Come and fight like a man!"

    "You can't fight!  I shot you in the arm!"

    "It's only a flesh wound!  C'MON, BRING IT ON, COWARD!"

    The man, annoyed, promptly shot the passerby in the other arm. 

    "There, now, go away!"

    "Oh, you afraid, coward? C'mon, I'll kick you to death!"

    Now incredibly pissed, the infiltrator shot both legs out from under the now incapacitated bystander.

    "There, I win, you lose!  Now go away!"

    "Aw, C'mon!  It's only a flesh wound!  Bring it on!  I'll bite you to death!"

    Now enraged beyond all possible explanation, the man picked up a conveniently placed Rocket Launcher, and fired it in the bystander's pants.

The now incredibly mauled man started to yell again, but in a very high pitched voice.

    "You bastard!  I'll kill you for that."

    Now, the spy, blinded with rage beyond all reason, grabbed a well-placed katana and hacked the man down to his head.

    "You pansy!  Fight like a man!"

    Finally, the spy grew tired and rappelled down to a tanker below.

   

When he landed, the spy turned on a radio in his head.

    "Hey Snake, you took your damn time."

    Solid Snake looked around, clearing the area, and then responded.

    "I hope you didn't wet your pants while waiting." He snickered.

    "Oh, that's a low blow.  Now, listen.  You have two objectives. 

Get to the bridge and find out the destination of the tanker.  And then get four pictures of Metal Gear GAY."

    "Metal Gear GAY?"

    "Yes, Metal Gear GAY."

    "Hey, Otacon, they named a Metal Gear after you?"

    "Oh, that's a low-."

    "Say that again and I'll jump into this Codec, hunt you down, blow off your testicles, feed them to piranha's, then I'll kill you, and THEN I'll start to hurt you."

    "Alright, go."

    Twenty minutes later, having disposed of a girl with nasty armpit hair problems, Snake found the coordinates for the destination of the ship.  He called Otacon to report them.

    "Snake where're you headed."

    "Latitude 38, Longitude 56."

    "No, 58, you're reading the script wrong."

    "No, I'm not-well yes, I am."

    "So, you're on your way to Bermuda."

    "Really?  I should just let this tanker go.  I need a vacation. 

How do

you think I'd look with a tan?"

    "Focus, Snake."

    "At least I can think about something other than my stepfamily and computers."

    "Oh, that's a low blow, Sn-."

    "Go ahead, say it!"

    "Err... Gotta go.  Good luck, and always look on the bright side of life, dodo, dodo-dodo-dodo."

    "Otacon...you are going to die a very painful death."

    "That reminds me, always look on the bright side of death, dodo, dodo-dodo-dodo. Just before you draw your terminal breath, dodo, dodo-dodo-dodo.  Life's a piece of shit, when you look at it. Always look on the bright side of life!"

    "You...You!"

    "Uh...Gotta Go, Snake."

 

    After returning to the bowels of the ship to fetch some ammo (and wreak havoc on a few random terrorists in the process), Snake headed toward the holds. He was now in the engine room, busy tranquilizing a few terrorists. Snake quietly snuck up behind an unsuspecting terrorist, and stuck the M9 in his back.

    "Burn!"

Snake slapped himself in the head.

    "Uh, I mean freeze!" he corrected. The terrorist looked confused.

    "Which one is it?! 'Burn' or 'freeze'?!" The guard yelled in confusion.

    "It's freeze! Just keep your hands in the air, and give me all the shit in your pockets!"

    "But I can't give you anything if my hands are raised?!" He exclaimed.

    "Just shake all the crap loose, and I'll pick up what I can!" Snake ran if front of the guard, and aimed it into his face.

    "Well don't shoot me there man!" The guard said fearfully. "I want to have a head when I die!" Snake thought for a moment, then nodded in agreement. So, he aimed farther down, and shot the guard in the groin.

The guard rocked backward in pain slightly. "Don't shoot me there, shoot me here!" So, Snake shot him in the leg. "No, not there!  Here!" Snake shot him in the stomach. "No, not there!  HERE, you dumbass!"

    "What'd you call me?!" Snake shouted angrily.  He took out the USP, and shot the guard to death. "No...not there...here..." The guard gasped with his last breath. He pointed to his heel. "Haven't you ever heard the saying, 'Achilles heel'?" Snake just shot the guard in the face.  He ran into the small room on the port side of the ship.  He ran into a couple of C4 traps, and briefly considered going home and watching "Die Hard" on his DVD player, and looking at Playboys.  But, in the end, he got past them, thanks to his trusty old pals, cigarettes.  In the corridor leading to the holds, he didn't do much, except find some more ammo, shot some sleep-talking guard, and catch a cold.  He quietly approached the hatch leading to the cargo holds, when suddenly, five guards confronted him.  Snake tried to fight them off, but they knocked him over, and surrounded him.  Snake started shaking in fear, and the guards aimed their AK's at his head.  Then, one of their watches started to beep.

    "Alright, shift's over!"

All of the guards left save one.

    "I may not be so easily fooled." The guard said smugly.  Snakes only response was coughing and sneezing on him, and hacking up the major "lugie of doom." "Oh, like that's gonna stop me..."

    All of a sudden, the guard fell to his knees, and started hacking up blood by the pint, until there was no more in him, and he died.  Snake just looked on in surprise, thinking, "I'd better get some medicine..." he went over to the dead guy, and said,

    "Hey, are you okay, man?"  The guard turned his head, and said,

    "Yeah, I'm an extra.  We never actually die, we just switch roles."

Snake got up, ran for the hatch, and opened it up slowly.  He quietly walked in, trying to look tough.  Revolver Ocelot walked in.  Snake turned around, and yelled,

    "Ocelot!  You dumbass, you're not supposed to come in for another minute!

Dumbass!"

    "What, I'm not?" He said dumbly.  Hideo Kojima sprang in from the shadows." Ocelot, you dumb Ruskie!  This is comin' outta your paycheck!"

    "WHAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?!?!" He bellowed, snatching out his revolvers. 

He quickly started firing, until everyone nearby was ducking, desperately trying to get out of the way.

    "Hey!  Those bullets cost money, you dumb Ruskie!" Kojima bellowed.

Snake quickly ran away in the confusion.

 

    "Snake, have you made it to the holds yet?" Otacon piped in on the

Codec.

    "Yeah, I'm in here."

    "Can you see Metal Gear?"

    "What, you mean can I see you?  Of course not!  You're still in

Manhattan you dumbass!"

    "Oh, that's a low bl-"

    "I suggest that you don't finish your sentence, or else I'll be giving a demonstration of how to use fag...er, frag grenades for amputations using your body as a test!" Snake threatened.

    "Okay, okay.  Sheese.  Anyway, we need four shots, one from the

front-left, front, and front-right, and a close up of the Submarine

Command symbol."

    "Sub Command?"

    "Some dimwit messed up the paint job."

    "Oh, okay."

   

    After Snake finally found his way into the cargo hold with Metal

Gear inside. He quickly took out the camera, and made sure to center Metal Gear in the shot.  Behind the Marine Commandant, who was busy blabbing on and on and on, Metal Gear quietly moved so it could flex its arms.  Snake smirked, and took as many pictures as he could, beginning to sound like a French photographer at a Victoria's Secret fashion shoot.

    Behind him, Commander Dolph's speech was interrupted by a soldier who had a question.

    "Yes?" The Marine asked.

    "Um, sir.  Does this speech have any point whatsoever? Because, I

see your lips moving, but all I hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..."

The soldier mimicked his commander with his left hand.  However, his entertaining impression was interrupted when the commander shot the soldier in the head.

    "Anyone else wanna interrupt?!" He bellowed, cocking the pistol. 

All of the other soldiers quickly shook their heads, and shouted,

    "Sir no sir!"

    "Good. Anyway, back to my speech.  Our GAY has a sting that nature never gave those damn homos..." Another marine interrupted.

    "You're one to talk!" He shouted, causing the entire sea of marines to take a step back from him.

BAM!

            "Okay, as I was saying, blah, blah, blahblah, blahblahblah..." Snake transmits the photos, after a lengthy photo session with Metal Gear, and a promise to give it a modeling job.  He got some really good pictures of the Sub Command logo, two crossed missiles with "We Hide With Pride," sketched under them.  At the end of the speech, Revolver Ocelot stepped in.

            "Ahh, the gift of the silver ton-."

            "Shut up, dumbass."

            The Ruskie was shoved aside by an enraged Kojima.

            "Listen up!  Thanks to that Russian pansy, we ran out of money for the

Tanker chapter.  So, here's what happens.  Ocelot kills everyone

(Surprisingly, he is actually capable of firing a gun).  He then blows a hole in the tanker and steals Metal Gear.  Okay, on with the next chapter.  Oh, and you'd better leave soon, because we still do have the money to scuttle the tanker."

    Ocelot began to mutter, "I am not dumb.  My mommy said I am a very special person."

    All of a sudden, Ocelot began to shake.  When he returned to normal, his accent had become British.

    "You are dumb, Ocelot.  Even I could do your job better than you."

    The real Ocelot responded, "Shut up Liquid, what do you know? 

You're just an arm."

    "I know a lot more than you, you dumbass Ruskie."

    "Why does everyone think I'm dumb?"

    Snake left to rendezvous with Otacon, leaving those to dumbasses to bicker until the universe ended.

 

 

 

PLANT CHAPTER

 

    A lone man swam towards the ocean-cleaning facility, Big Hell...I

mean

Big Shell...or was it Large Shell...no, it's Big Shell.

    The man swam towards the oil fence surrounding the Big...or

Large...Shell.  He paused to stare at a hole in the oil fence, but was urged onward by a voice from his Codec.

    "Raiden, head into the light.  HEAD INTO THE LIGHT..."

    "Shut up, Colonel.  I know what I'm doing.  And my name is Snake,

not Raiden."

    "Your name is whatever I say it is, you blonde gayboy.  And I say

it's Raiden."

    "I'm not gay.  Unlike you, I've actually been laid."

    "Hey, come over here and say that, you little punkass."

    "Colonel, I'm going to do the mission, now."

    "Oh, so you're afraid of me, are you?"

    Raiden sighed, and switched off his Codec.  He swam into strut

A...or was it B...no, A...of Shell 1...er, 2...no, Strut A, Shell 1.  Anyway, he hopped out of the water, and mentally reviewed his objectives.  First, he had to locate and secure the hostages that had been taken by Dope...er, Dead Cell and its allies.  Then, he had to disable Dead Cell and company by any means necessary.  So, he made way to Strut B, where the President was supposedly being held.

   

    When he got there, all he found was corpses.  Oh, and some guy

Drinking all the blood out of the corpses.  WAIT, SOME GUY DRINKING BLOOD OUT OF ALL THE CORPSES?!?!?!  OH, SHIT!!!

    Once the bloodsucker finished his meal, he turned to Raiden and spoke in a low, menacing voice.

    "I am Count Choppula."

    "No, you're Vamp, dumbass."

    Hideo Kojima appeared from no where.

    "See, look in the script.  You're Vamp."

    "But Vamp makes me sound bisexual."

    "You ARE bisexual."

    "Oh, right...  Anyway, I am VAMP!  There happy?"

    "Very."

    Once Kojima left, Vamp returned to his dialogue.

    "Now, I will kill you."

    Vamp jumped at Raiden, but was cut short by Raiden's well thought out and original quip.

    "Hey, the Freak Show is in town and I think they're looking for you."

    "They are?  Oh, shit.  I gotta leave."

    After Vamp left, a man with a brown mullet walked in.

    "Nice job, kid."

    "Who the hell are you?"

    "My name is S...er, ..., a..., Iroquois Pliskin. (He'll never guess how I thought that up)!."

    "Well, Mr.Pliskin, if that is your real name..."

    "It is!"

    "I know, that was for dramatic effect."

    "I don't think you believe me, you little punk-ass."

    "I AM NOT A PUNK-ASS!"

    "Whatever, anyway, you know about the C4 in the struts, right?"

    "What?!  Screw this, I'm leaving!"

    "Get your ass over here!  Now, we have to disarm the C4 so the

Big...or, Large... Shell won't explode.  We need to find the demolitions expert, Peter Stillman."

    "We?  I don't see a we.  I see a you."

    "KIID!"

    "Fine."

 

    On the BC connecting bridge, "Pliskin" and Raiden came across a single woman facing a crowd of SEAL attackers.  The woman opened a dialogue.

    "So, you have come for the President."

    "Surrender now and I promise fair treatment."

    "I have a better idea: Blackjack."

 

    Ten minutes later, having lost 120 years worth of salaries to the lady, the SEALS signed their bank accounts over to the lady, and then promptly committed suicide.  Raiden was amazed.

    "So that's why she's called Fortune."

 

    The duo located and rescued Stillman, who was unable to walk

Normally after his balls were destroyed in the explosion of a church, and succeeded in disarming all the C4's except one, which Stillman was disarming. 

            Raiden was busy on his way to strut F where the last C4 was, when Stillman raised him on the Codec.

    "Raiden, Pliskin, listen up."

    "What is it?" Raiden asked.

    "I fell for it." He said, sighing.

    "What the hell are you talking about you decrypted old windbag?"

Pliskin asked gruffly.

    "Fatman has my number."

    "So do I!" Raiden said. "Its in the phonebook, you moron."

    "That's not what I meant, Raiden."

    "Then what the hell do you mean?"

    "Well, what I meant to say is, he figured me out.  Pliskin found a whole shitload of C4 at the bottom of Strut G."

    "No, it was H, you dumbass." Pliskin corrected.

    "No, I remember it being G"

    "No, it was H."

    "G!"

    "H!"

    "G!"

    "H!"

    "Alright, that's enough!" A voice said from the shadows. A very enraged

Kojima stepped out from the shadows, and hit Stillman on the head. "It was H you old son of a bitch!"

    "Oh, sorry." Kojima jumped out of the scene, and the dramatic music kicked in.

    "So, Pliskin found a whole shitload of C4 at the bottom of strut H. 

If Fatman blows that up, and Strut A, we're finished. Raiden, finish up with strut F, and disarm the C4 in strut A."

    "What?!  More C4?!  Screw you guys, I am goin' home..."

    "Kid, you set one foot outside the Big... or Large...Shell, and

I'll blow your friggin' head off."

    "Okay, then..." Raiden turned off the Codec, and disarmed the last

C4. He suddenly got a call from Stillman.

    "Raiden, you idiot!"

    "What'd I do?!" He exclaimed in anger.

    "You just woke up the detonator!  It's already started counting down!!"

    "Oh shit!!" Raiden quickly ran to strut A, and found the bomb under the small submarine.  He disarmed it, and heard strut H explode.  Colonel called him.

    "Raiden!  Did you kill Stillman?!"

    "What the hell is wrong with you?!  I didn't kill Stillman!  The bomb blew up and killed him!"

    "Oh shut up gayboy!  I know you wanted him out of the way because he wouldn't go out with you!"

    "Colonel, I have a girlfriend!"

    "Don't you mean, boyfriend?"

    "No, Rose is my girlfriend dumbass!"

    Rose quickly interrupted.

    "Raiden, you're gay?! Well, that explains a lot..."

    "WHHHAAAAA?!"

    "Raiden, just get back to the mission..."

    "Yeah, okay..." He turned off the Codec, and walked out.  Outside,

Fortune suddenly appeared, holding two giant dice, and a rail gun.

    "Are you Solid Snake?"

    "No, he's dead."

    "He's not dead until I say he's dead!  And you're gonna die for that!"

            She cocked the rail gun, and started firing at everything in the room. 

The bullet hit a box, and blew it up, spilling porno magazines everywhere.

Raiden quickly jumped out of cover, and dove for the porno.  He picked up a magazine, and automatically started drooling after opening it.

            "Oh, baby..." He said, turning it sideways, looking at the centerfold.

            "Hey, let's get back to the fight!"

            "Shut up bitch!  I need a good dose of porno every now and then! Go away!"

            "No!  I'm gonna kill you for that!"

    A now enrage Raiden threw the porno mag to the ground, took out an incredibly large rocket launcher, and fired it, launching Fortune out of the side of the wall of the Big...or Large Shell.

    "Stupid bitch..." He muttered.

    "See, this proves my point..." The Colonel said suddenly.

    "What the hell are you talking about?"

    The explosion from the Rocket Launcher had blown the magazine to a manly-man picture.

 

    After defeating Fortune, Raiden was forced to go after Fatman, the mad bomber of Dope...Dead Cell.  He finally encountered Fatman on the roof of Strut E.  The mad bomber yelled aloud.

    "I am Skinny Boy!"

    Kojima came and interrupted.

    "No, you're FATMAN!!"

    "I'm not that fat!"

    "Yes you are!"

    Fatman began to break down.

    "Mommy said I'm not fat..."

    Kojima became sympathetic.

    "Here," he said, handing him a slip with 1-800-98-JENNY written on it. Fatman screamed.

    "SALVATION!"

    He quickly sped off.

    Raiden stood there, bewildered, until he heard a noise behind him. 

He turned around and saw a ninja.

    "Who are you?"

    "I'm like you, I have no name."

    "I have a name, it's Jack.  And your name is Olga."

    "No...it's not..."

    "Yes...it is."

    "Anyway, you must now find a man named Ames.  He knows the location of the President.  Normally I would force you to go on a long and annoying quest, but we're running low on time and cash, so here's his Codec frequency."    The Ninja read off a string of numbers.

    "Oh, thanks Olga."

    "I'm the Ninja!"

    "YOU ARE OLGA!"

    At that moment, Ocelot showed up.  The Ninja drew its weapon and moved to attack.  Ocelot gasped.

    "A pointed stick!  But I have better weapons."  He drew his weapon and the Ninja gasped.

    "A banana!"

    Kojima showed up at that point.  "Alright, we had to cut this fight scene out.  Get lost.  You aren't being paid by the hour."

    "WE AREN'T?!?!?!"

    The Ninja sped off, hearing "Thanks again, Olga," as it departed.

 

    Raiden immediately signaled Ames.

    "Who is it?" He said.

    "This is Raiden.  I'm not a terrorist.  I need you to tell me the location of the president."

    "Hey, why should I tell you where the president is?"

    "Because I'm here to rescue him you dumbass!"

    "How do I know you're not a terrorist!"

    "Does this look like a terrorist uniform to you?!"

    "Uh, well..."

    "I'M NOT A TERRORIST!!"

    "Oh, ruin all my fun..."

    "Where the hell is the stupid president?!"

    "Oh, he's in the Shell 2 core."

    "You mean I have to do all that walking?! Screw this, I'm goin' home!"

    "No, save the president!"

    "Oh, all right, fine!"

    After collecting the PSG1 sniper rifle, Raiden arrived at the Shell 1-2 connecting bridge.

    "Watch out Raiden!" The Colonel said suddenly.

    "Why?"

    "There's a whole bunch of C4 on the bridge!  Use the PSG1 to take out the control units!"

    "Hey, are you watching me?!"

    "Maybe, maybe not..."

    "can you see this?" Raiden made a lesbian gesture.

    "Yes."

    "Can you see this?" Raiden stuck up his middle finger.

    "Stop that!" The colonel said.

    "can you see this?!" Raiden stuck up his middle finger, and did an up-yours motion.

    "I'm gonna let you get back to the mission now..." He disconnected the Codec.  Raiden aimed around, and shot all of the control boxes until they were destroyed. 

            The sensors shut off.  Pliskin called him on the Codec.

    "Kid, me and a friend are goin' to steal one of the enemy's

Kasatkas."

    "Hi, Raiden!" a voice said on the Codec.

    "Who the hell is that?"

    "Oh, that's Otacon..." Pliskin said. "Yeah, he's a bit gay, but he's cool..."

    "Hey, that's a low bl-"

    "Finish your sentence, and I'll throw you out of the Kasatka."

    "Okay, sorry."

    "Anyway, we're gonna rescue the hostages.  Talk to ya later, kid." 

The Kasatka suddenly flew in overhead, and Pliskin waved to him. Raiden heard a noise from strut L, and looked over to the entrance, and saw the terrorist leader.

    "Oh, so you're the boss around here..."

    "Yes, I am Solid Snake..."

    "No, I'm Solid Snake!" Pliskin shouted.

    "No, I'M Solid Snake!"

    "No, I'M SOLID SNAKE!!!" He bellowed.  Snake took out an M4 rifle, and started firing it wildly at the terrorist leader, causing the terrorist leader to dance on his feet to avoid the bullets.

    "Oh, that's right, I'm not Solid Snake, I'm SOLIDUS Snake..." He said in realization.

     He jumped off the edge of the bridge, and landed on a large Harrier 2. 

     The Harrier rose into the air, and Raiden noticed a large red button that said, "SELF DESTRUCT SWITCH" Raiden jumped into the air, and pressed the button, destroying the Harrier.  Its wing fell off, and if crashed into the water.  Then, Vamp opened the canopy, and looked over at Soldius, whose eye was bleeding.

    "Vamp, go!" He bellowed.

    "Wha?" He asked in confusion.

    "Walk across the water, and get help!"

    "Wait a second, you want me, to walk across the water?!"

    "YES!"

    "Okay, bring in the stunt double!!"  Kojima yelled.

    Everyone looked astounded as Jesus walked out of the dressing room. 

He shrugged, and said, "The Church needed some extra cash."

 

*       *       *  

 About an hour later, after a lot of work, an exhausted Raiden made it to the Shell 2 core.  The Colonel called him up.

    "Raiden, the floor is electrified.  You're going to have to use a fly-by-wire missile to get the transformer."

    "Uh, I have a better idea."

    Raiden flipped the power switch to the floor, and walked across.

 

    Inside, the President was waiting.

    "Sir!"

    President James Johnson responded by grabbing Raiden's crotch, then jumping back in amazement, but keeping his hand on the crotch. 

    "You're a man?"

    "Yes. Now get your hand off my dick."

    "No, I think I'll keep it here."

    "No wonder they call you Johnson."

    The President removed his had and said, "So, I guess you're here to kill me."

    "WHHAATT?!?!"

    "I helped Solidus with the Nuclear Launch Codes."

    "You did what?!?!?"

    "Yes, and now you're here to kill me."

    "No, but I may just do it anyway."

    "Well, if you want to stop the Nuclear Launch Codes, you'll need

the two things.  First, you'll need Emma Emerich to take down the launch system permanently.  You'll have to swim to her, she's on the level below."

    "And the other?"

    "You have to kill me."

    "I don't want to know, do I?"

    "Don't worry, I have such a small part that I count as an extra. 

I'll just be reincarnated as something else."

    "Oh, okay."

    BAAM!!

    Turning to leave, Raiden saw Revolver Ocelot standing behind him.

He spoke.

    "Nice shot... If only you hit the President..."

    "I did!"

    "No, that was me."

    "Than what did I shoot?"

    "That guy."

    As if on cue, a body fell out of no where.

    "What?"

    "You're a hero, you can't miss.  So we had to put something there for you to hit."

    "Oh, okay."

    " By the way, we had to cut out the scene where he tells you what the Patriots are, so I will."

    "I know.  They're a Football team.  The Colonel still owes me $400 from the Superbowl."

    "Not those Patriots, dumbass.  The rulers, the Patriots."

    "Why is a Football team running the country?" 

 

    After reaching a small room on his way to Emma, Raiden was surprised to run into Vamp.  The bisexual Romanian...or was he Transylvanian...? No, he was Romanian, and he opened the dialogue.

    "Hey there, hot guy."

    "What?"

    "You want some?"

    "What?"

    "At this point, Vamp got up and started to chase Raiden around the room, yelling, "Come get some, spy guy!"  Raiden ran as fast as he could away.

    "Stay away!"

    "Make me!"

    "I'm not gay!"

    "I can fix that!"

    Just when Raiden was about to collapse, Vamp slipped and smacked

his head on the wall.  He fainted, and Raiden slipped off.

 

    He made it to Emma in two minutes.

    "Are you Emma Emmerich?"

    "Yes..."

    "I'm here to rescue you."

    "You are?  But how will you get out?  I can't swim."

    "You can't?  Well, we can take the ladders."

    "I'm afraid of heights."

    "Is their anything you aren't afraid of?"

    "Uh...no..."

    Now annoyed incredibly, Raiden simply punched a hole in the wall

Leading the elevator.  He began to climb through.

    "I'm afraid of holes in the wall."

    Raiden shot her with the M9 Tranquilizer Gun, and dragged her to the Oil Bridge they were going to use to get to shell 1.

 

    Emma was crossing the oil bridge fine until the halfway point.  The gay Vamp then showed up and took her hostage.  Even though Raiden promptly shot him with the PSG-1, he still managed to maim her.

    Snake quickly got Emma across, but when Raiden reached them, she

Had died.  He asked Snake some questions.

    "Did she upload the virus?"

    "Yes."

    "Did it work?"

    "No."

    "Does she count as an extra?"

    "Two minutes over the time limit."

    "Damn."

    "Wanna beer?"

    "Okay."

    After chucking Emma into the sea in a fit of drunkenness, Raiden,

Snake and Otacon all got drunk.  Raiden mooned a guard, and was promptly captured.

 

    When he awoke, Solidus began to interrogate him.

    "What is your name?"

    "Raiden."

    "What is your quest?"

    "I seek to kick your ass."

    "What is your favorite color."

    "Red...no, blue... ARRGH!"

    "Let that be a lesson.  Every wrong answer earns you a shock.  What

is the capital of Assyria?"

    "I don't know... ARRGH!"

    "What is the airspeed velocity of a swallow carrying a coconut across the ocean?"

    "African or European?"

    "I don't know...ARRGH!"

    Once Solidus shocked himself into unconsciousness, Raiden broke loose.

 

    Hideo Kojima was drinking a beer when one of his assistants came over.

He asked, "What's up?"

    "Bad news.  The Colonel died."

    "How far are we with his lines?"

    "Far enough that we can splice together the rest.  How does this

sound?"

    "Ryuikii.  Middukii.  Tyurguii.  I need scissors! 61!"

    "Sound a little run together?"

    "Nah, it's fine."

 

    "Ryuikii.  Middukii.  Tyurguii.  I need scissors! 61!"

    "Colonel?  What's wrong with you?  Oh, what ever."

    Raiden ran over to Snake and asked, "How'd you get here?"

    "I used your little...escapade to slip in unnoticed."

    "Oh, okay.  Where to?"

    "The holds."

    After walking for about six minutes, the duo was ambushed by a series of guards.  Their leader screamed out, "WE ARE THE KAMAKAZIE KNIGHTS!! 

PREPARE

TO FACE OUR WRATH!!  KAMAKAZIE KNIGHTS, ATTACK!!"

    At this point, the guards all shot themselves, and Snake and Raiden moved on.

 

    Next they encountered Fortune.  She drew her dice and said, "Bring

it on, or are you a coward?"

            Snake and Raiden responded in unison, "We...are...cowards!!"

    They ran up the ladder to the next room.

 

    There, Solidus was waiting for them.

    "So, you made it this far."

    "African or European, you still haven't told me."

    "I DON'T KNOW!! ARRGH! Now, face my wrath!"

    Five Metal Gear GAY's appeared behind him.  Snake, drawing on an

Old memory, drew his camera and began to shoot the now posing Metal Gears.

    "Work with me, come on, shake it."

    "Come on, you big GAY scrap-heaps, kill!"

    But to no avail.  The Metal Gears walked off to find jobs in the

Fashion industry.  Solidus was enraged.  He ran over to them, next to a ledge dropping down into an incinerator.

    "You Pansies!  You still have to fight me."

    Snake and Raiden looked at each other, grinned, and pushed Solidus

Off the edge.  He screamed.

    "You pansies!  What are you doing?!?!  ARRGH!!"

    Snake and Raiden walked off.

    "I'm still alive, wussies!"

    Snake drew his machine gun and fired into the pit.

    "ARGGH!"

    "I'm still alive!"

    BAAM!!

    "ARRGH!"

    "I'm still alive!"

    BAMM!!

    "ARGGH!"

    "I'm still alive!"

    BAAM!!

    "ARRGH!"

    "I'm still alive!"

    BAMM!!

    "ARGGH!"

    "I'm still alive!"

    BAAM!!

    "ARRGH!"

    "I'm still alive!"

    BAMM!!

    "I'm still...no, scratch that... I'm dead.  I think.  No, I'm dead.

Yeah."

    Snake and Raiden both turned around, and walked off.

    "You forgot something."

    Snake and Raiden turned to see Ocelot, with his Liquid Snake mind

in control, sitting in a Metal Gear GAY.

    "HAHAHAHAH!  Now, I will kill the Patriots!  Metal Gear, away!"

    It was then he noticed the LOW BAT light on the Metal Gear's

dashboard.

    "Well, shit.   Oh, well, I need some booze.  Later."

    Liquid sped off, and the duo stood there in silence for a minute. 

It was Snake who broke the silence with his deep and insightful question.

    "Hey kid, you wanna beer?" Snake asked.

    "Sure."

    "Hey Jack!" Raiden turned around, and saw Rose and Otacon.

    "Hey, Otacon, we're gonna go get plastered at a bar.  You guys wanna come?"

    "Sure!" They both said.

    And so, the four new friends walked off toward the nearest bar to

Get drunk and make total assholes of themselves.  What kinds of trouble

will they get into?  What kind of beer will they drink?  And, for the love of god, will those damn Metal Gears ever get modeling jobs? (Probably not)

    "Hey, what the hell are you still doing here?" One of the authors

of this story asks, whose name is Isaac.

    "Shows over.  Go the hell home." Says the other named Nick.

 

    *                       *                       *

 

    "It's Otacon, we found out who the Patriots are, but there's a

problem..."

    "Shoot."

    "They've been dead for a hundred years."

    "So, we win, they lose."



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